However, right now, I see pain and hurt, depression and bullying, alcoholism and drug abuse, homelessness, hopelessness, despair, war and injustice. I see broken hearts, rejection, sadness and self doubt, I see struggle. Right here in my own backyard I see huge profits being made by companies, but I also see good, honest local families unable to pay the bills. I see too many marriage break ups, destroying families forever. I hear constant talk about the future our children will need to navigate, drinking, driving, promiscuity, drugs, technology and I am gripped with panic.
I can’t make sense of it. I am not driven by a desire to make a lot of money and own a lot of things, I don’t want to have a fancy career and a long job title, I just want to be comfortable, free and happy and keep my family safe. I want to feel light and joyful but the weight of the world feels heavy on my shoulders tonight. Everything around me and ahead of me seems insignificant and small, except the relationship I have with my loved ones, but is this really enough?
Facebook, Twitter, iPhones, television, games, blogs, deadlines, followers does any of it mean anything at all? Are we slowly killing ourselves by what we are eating? Are we destroying our spirits by what we are watching and reading and doing with our time? Constant political backstabbing and name calling, endless flow of celebrity gossip, so many advertisements showing us beautiful things we need to be happy. Where is the inspiration, the vision, the hope, the future? What is all this for, where is it leading us, what are we creating? I want to shout ‘Stop it now, it is all so wrong, it is insignificant, it is unimportant’, but I can’t because what does right look and feel like?
Protect your heart for it is the wellspring of life, but I am struggling to fill my heart with good, the dirty, sticky finger prints of this world are leaving their smudgy marks all over my heart.
I have a clear vision of the life I desperately want to live, the life I believe I have been created to live, I just don’t know how to get there. How many other people feel the same way? Are we a whole society stuck on a treadmill when all we need to do is step off, but who will be the brave one to step off first? I am genuinely petrified if I step off I will just fall flat on my face, and everybody who stayed on the treadmill will laugh hysterically at me. It is taking all my energy, all my joy and all my passion to just try and fit in, make the most of it, try and function in this world that makes no sense to me. I don’t know why I can’t make sense of it, it is frustrating, I am tired.
This blog has no answers, it is not delicate, pretty, soft or poetic and it is not a cry for help, I know I live an extremely blessed life, which kind of makes it harder to make sense of the world. Nothing will change as a result of these words, except I am hoping I will find some peace and be able to fall asleep very soon. Good night xo