Tuesday, 2 February 2016

You can't handle the truth

Tonight after the rain, the stars were out, the crickets chirping and the frogs croaking, I walked up our driveway crying out loudly because the words my daughter said to me before she went to bed were straight from my heart and I hated hearing them from her.

At dinner tonight I asked our eight year old if she had been asking another little girl in class for answers.

Well what followed was a bunch of excuses, tears and dramatics about not being able to concentrate, not knowing enough big words to answer the question, not being allowed to go on the computer all the time ... she was obviously getting desperate to avoid being blamed for something.

I tried to explain she wasn't in trouble I just really wanted her to answer her own questions and use her own mind.  I didn't care if her answer was wrong or right just so long as it was hers.  I went on to say she was amazingly clever and creative and thoughtful and could answer any question any way she wanted to.  Please I begged just use your own mind. I believed every word I was saying, I was speaking absolute truth.

A lot more tears and hugging and she said 'I am not clever Mummy, I can't answer the questions, I won't get it right' and at that she sobbed rolled over and went to sleep.

I tried to shrug it off, that she was just tired and emotional but five minutes on and I was crying.  All the time I tell myself, I am not clever at anything, I can't do it, I can't do life as well as those around me, I am a failure and I am worthless.  My own insecurities that I try so hard to hide and mask I have inadvertently, through actions and deeds, passed them on to our precious daughter.

I walked up the drive crying, looking up to the stars, calling out to God about all my failings as a mother, wife, individual and I cried really really hard and hoped for answers.  After a lot of wrestling I turned and walked home and I knew, the only way she will ever feel worthy is if I feel it and demonstrate it first.  No matter what I say to her she is somehow seeing straight past the words to my thoughts and heart and she is cutting straight to the crux of it.

I don't know how to feel worthy, I try genuinely hard, I have every single day of my life, I have tried but I just don't feel it.  I do know I am God breathed, I know that Jesus loves me, I believe I was created in God's image and I am somehow part of His perfect plan.  I know these facts in my head, but I still do not feel worthy, it is not a truth I can easily accept but tonight demonstrated  how absolutely crucial it is otherwise I am going to accidentally burden our children with similar unhelpful and untrue worries about their worth.

And so this parenting journey continues ... it is so raw and honest and soul wrenching and challenging on every level and I just need to be real with myself before I can pass on any real wisdom to our babies and it scares me because I don't know what real is, what if I can't handle the truth.

3 comments:

  1. It seems you have captured almost exactly the same scenario in my house this evening with Miss 10 (though it started over lip balm...). It's the toughest , most real thing I have ever done, this parenting, and the best and worst of me inevitably comes out.

    From where I am sitting though, and from the small amount of time I have spent with your beautiful girls, you are in fact doing a wonderful job. Just as we have walked our own journey separate to our mothers, I guess we have to watch our children walk theirs. I can only hope I set them on the one True path, and not hand them too much of my own baggage along the way.

    Love you, oxox

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh thank so much for your kind and encouraging words Gis. I definitely gave the inner-critic too much air time the other night but have put her back in her place (for now) with the help of Tranquil herbal tea, amazing Radiant Light yoga, a visit from a beautifully kind friend and some sacred time with Jesus. Thank you again so much for your reply, it meant a lot xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've only just read this post, and it makes me sad that you don't realise how totally amazing you are. I've been reading through your recent blog posts tonight. You are funny, you are clever, you are kind, you are friendly, you are loved. I know that the longest distance in the world is the space between your head and your heart. So my advice to you is - get out your Bible and a notebook. Start writing down every single scripture you can find about how amazing you are. Ask God to show you. Then when you are feeling unworthy, read it! Read it with your girls. Oh how I know the feeling of being unworthy!!! But it is a lie from satan. You are worth so much, that the God of Heaven and earth sent his only son to die in your place, so that you would not perish but have eternal life. Blessings xx

    ReplyDelete