I've got peace like a river ... not

Just a few minutes ago I was standing in my dark pantry, quietly unwrapping my last Lindor chocolate, trying to enjoy the soft delicate milk chocolate before my children found me and said 'I want one', 'I'm hungry', 'What can I do?' ... Luckily I could have a quiet chuckle to myself about how absurd it was to hide from my family and eat a chocolate but it did make me realise how hard it is to find peace sometimes.

Recently in Sunday School and Religious Instruction we have been singing 'I have peace like a river, I have peace like a river, I have peace like a river in my soul'.  I love this song but I can't say it truthfully applies to me. For a big part of my teenage years and most of my 20's I had very little peace, I was searching for something and I did not know what it was.  Soon after giving birth to our first daughter I found God and I found peace, since 2008 I have loved Jesus with my whole heart and just writing it makes me smile.  However I am still searching.  There is so much more God has to offer me and for a million reasons I can not quite grasp it.  It is an ongoing journey, and my challenge is to find peace, not be constantly frustrated by my inability to fully comprehend God's promise to me and all of mankind.

Some of my most peaceful moments are watching my children, whether it is trying to do long jump for the first time, to finish a puzzle all by themselves, dancing their little hearts out in the annual dance concert, singing in Sunday School or sleeping peacefully in their beds.  During these moments my heart feels completely at ease, completely captivated by their brilliance and beauty.  However, the mess they make, the continuous questions they ask, the food and drinks they need, the number of clothes they wear in one day all of these things do not bring me peace.  I can sometimes feel suffocated and very angry that my whole life revolves around serving them, what about me?  I need to find peace in every aspect of being a Mum, not just in the perfect moments.

I have been blessed that I was born at a time and in a country where every child has an opportunity to be educated, I was fortunate enough to go to university and obtain a degree and I have had a number of really enjoyable and rewarding jobs, that enabled me to be creative, productive and be recognised and appreciated within my community.  However, I am left feeling incredibly frustrated now because I don't know how to combine working in a meaningful and enjoyable job and being a good mum and wife.  I don't work at the moment and keeping up with cooking, shopping, washing, cleaning, homework, gardening and still having enough energy to be emotionally available and kind to my family and friends is a struggle.  I can't see a solution.  Instead of just enjoying this time at home I panic about what kind of job I will ever have in the future that will not cause our family unnecessary stress.

To add to this I feel so guilty that I don't feel peace all the time.  I read books and blogs about it, I pray about it, I am sure I bore my husband to tears talking about it, but none of it changes the fact that most of the time I do not feel peace like a river in my soul and I don't know how to change that.  I will continue to practise thankfulness, because I am truly overwhelmed with the abundant blessings in my life, but I just hope I don't have to wait till I get to 90 to feel peace here on earth.

Do you feel peace like a river in your soul?

A salty kind of day

Wikipedia says "Salt is essential for animal life, but can be harmful to animals and plants in excess. Salt is one of the oldest, most ubiquitous food seasonings and salting is an important method of food preservation . The taste of salt (saltiness) is one of the basic human tastes.

Last night I was watching Grand Design on ABC and the couple built their home in a 1550's shed, it was massive, an overwhelming project but the result was nothing short of spectacular.  The lady with multi-coloured hair whose name was Freddie said "I just want a different experience from life".  She didn't want to live in a house with separate rooms and cosy carpet, their home became a creative masterpiece and their daughter could roller-skate everywhere and they had a wild meadow that grew up to their back door! 

It made me think of how much we do in life just because everybody else does it, how early in life do we stop asking why, how young are we when we stop thinking there might be a different way?  Often I see quotes that say "Life is too short to be ordinary" or "Refuse to be average.  Let your heart soar as high as it will".  The Bible says "You are the salt of the earth.  But if salt loses its saltiness...It is no longer good for anything...You are the light of the world...let your light shine before others" (Matthew 5:13-16).  Salt adds flavour and light gives life.  How much salt and light can your life have if you are average, if you are doing exactly the same as everybody else? When I hear quotes like these my heart goes a flutter, I get all excited, but the truth is I don't actually have any idea how to push boundaries, how to be anything but average and ordinary.  My parents, my schooling, my extended family and friends did a great job of making me pretty normal.  I have never had any real life experience with people who question the norms and live an alternative lifestyle, I have no real concept of doing anything other than what everybody else is doing, what I have learnt to accept as normal.

I get glimpses of a different way to be, but I am way too comfortable with my existing life to really challenge my way of thinking or change anything, but as I gain a deeper understand of the Gospel I get a strong feeling there are alternatives.  I do not want to be weird, I want to fit in, but at the same time I do want a different experience from life, I definitely want our daughters to have a different experience from life.   How can our heart soar with so many long held and deep seeded beliefs securing it tightly to this earthly world.

Jesus said "I've come to change everything, turn everything rightside up - how I long for it to be finished" Luke 12:49-50.  I think we are still a long way from understanding and comprehending the wonderful life that is available to us.  Oh but how to unlock the answers, how to discover the best way to enjoy earth for the short time we are here, without going crazy questioning everything just for the sake of it.

So my philosophy for the moment is "Don't think about it, just heart it", that is a Justine Miller original quote right there.  I have all the answers inside me already, placed gently on my heart from the moment I was created.  It is my head, silly logic, my fear and worry, my previous experiences and hurts and learnt knowledge that keep the answers hidden from me.  I want to release myself from unnecessary conventional thinking and unloving social norms and discover what it truly means to live in the spirit, I want my life to have the perfect amount of salt.

What are your  thoughts on salt, and life?

The possession obsession

Is a lot of your time taken up looking after all your things?  Tasks like washing, drying, folding and packing away, picking up, washing up, cleaning, maintaining, painting, mowing, detailing and working longer hours to earn  enough money to pay for all these things and buy some more.  Is your pantry full of food and you still don't know what to have for dinner?  Does any of this really bring you great joy?   I almost feel smothered, physically, emotionally and spiritually, by the stuff, the responsibility, the financial burden of all that surrounds me.

I think I am trapped in a possession obsession, which helps makes some people very rich but just keeps most of the world enslaved, destroying our souls, distracting us from what is truly important.

I look at our gorgeous girls, filled with so much love and fun, learning new and amazing things every single day and I do not want them to go to school, get a good education and earn money just so they can spend their entire lifetime wanting and needing more stuff.  Surely there is more, this can not be our purpose.  I do not want to be a rich fool and I do not want to raise our children to be rich fools.

I do love nice things, I agree with the mantra 'Life is short, live beautifully'.  There are spectacularly beautiful things everywhere, it is truly special to be able to own some of these beautiful items, but we don't need to own all of them!  I entered the workforce in 1999 and nearly every cent I have earned in that time has been spent on me, on creating and maintaining a lifestyle that I enjoy, buying clothes, shoes, going to the hairdresser, purchasing magazines and books, travelling around Australia, buying gifts, a car and a family home etc.  None of these things are bad, I have not lived excessively but I have lived greedily and selfishly and I still do.  In this time I could have put a lot more of this money to greater use, I could have sponsored more children, invested more heavily in projects that genuinely improve the life of others, respected each dollar for what it was, a gift and a blessing to be used to bless the lives of others.  I have not used this money wisely.

I still don't have the urge to get rid of all my things, I am not courageous or committed enough to sell all my possessions and give the money to the poor and then live a very meagre existence.  However, I am going to consciously work on my attitude and approach to the purchases I do make.  As a family we will look at all our things and donate what we don't really need and then be much more stringent about the items that do enter our house, and be much more purposeful when we buy gifts for others. 

I will always love beautiful things, these are precious gifts for us to enjoy and appreciate, but I do not want this short, beautiful and amazing time I have on earth to be focussed or obsessed with owning, maintaining, looking after and admiring possessions.  After all, the day I die it all ceases to mean anything at all, my family will probably look at it all and drop it off at the closest op shop.  I don't want my life's worth to be put in some cardboard boxes and dropped out the front of Vinnies.  Do you think you might be trapped in a possession obsession too?

Is shovelling manure the answer to all of life's big questions?

The closer I draw to truth the happier I am.  Life is bright, light, joyful and happy.  I am happy to my core.  However the truth is easily shaken by fear and worry.  It is so easy to let go of what I know to be true when I start to worry, fret, compare, analyse, fear and plan (sometimes 10-25 years ahead).  The joy is quickly lost in a heavy fog of hopelessness, guilt and self-loathing.  While I am doing something I'll be feeling guilty that I am not doing something else, it is an annoying state to be in and nothing good comes of it.

The trouble with truth is it is constantly expanding and growing and unfolding.  A commitment to living in truth is a commitment to constantly being challenged and expanding and questioning deep seeded beliefs.  Living in the spirit is mysterious, it requires strong faith and it can easily be shaken by worry and fear.

J.R.R.R Tolkien said "All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost", for those committed to living in truth it can feel like a constant journey, wandering a long a path that seems to go on forever, but hopefully we are not lost.

At this point in my life it feels like I am wandering along the path of truth and also building strong foundations, all at the same time.  How is it possible?  If this makes no sense don't worry, it is pretty unclear for me too.

I feel like I am being guided to explore, question, delve, learn and build; specifically in relation to my faith, our family and our home.  This is exciting, empowering, exhausting, monotonous, slow, dull and seemingly endless.  There does not look like there is a clear end in sight, because it relation to these three areas there isn't one perfectly correct answer, solution or technique.  Again this brings a sense of freedom and frustration.

In an attempt to not have a mental breakdown I am going to shovel manure, literally and metaphorically.  It is all good and well to ponder and discuss matters of the heart and soul but at some point this is life, it is a beautiful gift, and we need to live it the best we can, with what we have and what we know.

There is no sure fire way to have a long and happy marriage that results in children that grow into content, well adjusted and useful adults, and although it is time consuming I reckon if you shovel enough love it should turn out alright.  No matter how often you go to Church, read the Bible and pray you can never really know you are living the life God created you for.  Even though it is time consuming, if you shovel enough love and faith you should get pretty close.  No matter how much water, money and creativity you pour into the garden it is probably never going to look like something in Gardening Australia magazine.  Although it is time consuming, if you shovel enough manure, worm juice and compost you should end up with something lovely.

The trick will be to ensure I shovel love on the family and manure on the garden and not get them mixed up!!

Don't be afraid to sparkle a little brighter

The word sparkle has been placed on my heart for two days now, despite my best efforts to ignore it.  We have been driving for the past day and a half returning home after visiting family.  It is a long, dull drive and the word sparkle kept coming to mind, I definitely didn't feel like sparkling.  When we finally got home we discovered the power had been off for at least a day maybe more, most of our food was ruined and had to be thrown out, again the word sparkle came to mind, my response to this word was not favourable.  Then at 3am last night our sweet little 3 year old started vomiting and has been unwell now for hours, actually vomiting directly into my face, and what word came to mind, SPARKLE and I thought hell no I don't want to sparkle.  Today is the first day in 16 years that I  am completely unemployed, not earning a single cent or directly contributing to the economy.  Whilst this is a conscience decision I am scared and again all I can think is sparkle, are you serious?

Despite all these inconveniences and a few fears and worries, I do want to sparkle. The word makes me smile, 'a glittering flash of light' or 'to give off or reflect flashes of light'.  Once I started thinking about it I had in fact had a solid fortnight of sparkle moments.  We had beautiful friends visit who radiate love, compassion and joy and they filled our home with indescribable happiness = sparkle.  Our daughter attended her first motorbike gymkhana and smiled big all day = sparkle.  My husband and I were invited to be Godparents for the most adorable little boy and the baptism ceremony was amazingly spiritual and soothed my soul = sparkle.  My husband had a birthday, our girls decorated glasses and lit candles and friends came for dinner, there was lots of laughing, yummy food and good wine = sparkle.  We got to visit my family, and my nieces are blow your mind amazing in every way and our daughters were smothered in pure love = sparkle.  I got to visit Circular Quay in Sydney on a breath takingly beautiful and clear winters day and the Sydney Opera House and Sydney Harbour Bridge shone bright, warming my heart and my senses = sparkle.  As we drove home after our big road trip our daughter saw and school and said 'yippee, I love my school' = sparkle, on and on these sparkle moments go, no wonder the word was placed on my heart.

Our world, this society we have created, media, gossip, fear, greed and worry are all working towards dulling down our sparkle.  Each day there is a constant battle between sparkle and not to sparkle, we make the choice which way we will look.  We decide whether we will add sparkle to this world or whether we will detract sparkles.  We do this in our homes, our workplaces and our community, we do this by the words we speak, the things we do, how we spend our time and what we prioritise, the shows we watch, the music we listen to and every single choice we make. 

There will be people reading this and thinking I am being unrealistic, unsophisticated and maybe superficial, that life can't be all about sparkle because life is tough.  Yes life is tough, sometimes terrible things happen, but I still see it as the most worthwhile of all pursuits to add love, kindness and sparkle and try and make the world a little less tough, a little less hurtful and a little less selfish.

So 'keep calm and sparkle on' is my motto at the moment and I hope you will join me in trying to share your sparkle where ever you are, even if you don't really feel like it sometimes.

I heard love

Yesterday I heard love and it had a physical effect on me which I’m still feeling 24 hours later.  It is so difficult to try and assign words to this amazing spiritual experience but I’m going to give it a try.

When I heard love it was a very uneventful moment, my husband simply said to our youngest daughter “Are you coming to clean your teeth munchkin”?   It was in the midst of everybody getting ready for school and work and it could be considered very unremarkable.  In that very moment, in those very words, I heard love.  Not plain humanly, earthly love but heavenly Godly love, life giving love, love that makes you believe love is all we need and love can change the world.  Love that flowed directly from the heart. 

 

There are so many passages in the Bible that refer to the fact that what is in our heart flows from our mouth, one such instance is in Luke 6:43-45 (CEB) Jesus says "A Good tree doesn't produce bad fruit, nor does a bad tree produce good fruit.  Each tree is known by its own fruit. People don’t gather figs from thorny plants, nor do they pick grapes from prickly bushes. A good person produces good from the good treasury of the inner self, while an evil person produces evil from the evil treasury of the inner self. The inner self overflows with words that are spoken.”

The words from my husband were not planned or rehearsed and as he spoke them he did not know the effect they would have on me and our home, they simply flowed from the good treasury in his heart.  In those simple words I heard God express love to our daughter.  The tone and the strength combined with the love and genuine kindness in these simple words was indescribably powerful.

It felt like God used Craig as a vessel to express love in that very moment, to breathe love into our home in that instant, on that ordinary Tuesday morning.  Do I sound like a crazy person?  Maybe, but I feel like there is a powerful reassurance in this experience.  It shows that God can use us to express His love and compassion for all His people in ways we could not even dream of.  Ways that seem absolutely insignificant and unimportant, ways that we do not recognise at the time but in ways that are so much more powerful that we can ever intend them to be. 

 

In Matthew 15:17-18 (CEB) Jesus said "Don't you know that everything that goes into the mouth enters the stomach and goes out into the sewer?  But what goes out of the mouth comes from the heart”.  The words Craig spoke the other day would not have had any effect on our home if his heart had been contaminated and we live in a world where it is so easy for our hearts to become contaminated.  If something, or somebody, makes your heart feel good I suggest you invest heavily in these things and people.  It may be equally important to reduce the number of things that make your heart hurt or feel heavy and sad.  Don’t apologise for this, Proverbs 4:23 clearly says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

I want the truth ... but not really cause I can't handle it

Today is a lovely sunny Saturday.  I have done some washing, craft with the girls, had a cuppa with a friend, folded the washing and did the grocery shopping.  Then at 3pm I changed into my pyjama pants because they are so comfy!! Gasp, shock horror.  It has happened.  I have turned into my mother and sister!!  This in itself is not a problem, as they are both awesome, but I have spent the best part of the past 35 years denying I am anything like my family.  My teenage years and most of my twenties were spent aggressively proving I was oh so different to them.  I fought this battle in vein, it was already in my genetics, and it is only now I am beginning to accept this truth. 

Another truth that I have been faced with this week is my children are turning into the people I have prayed they would.  They have a great sense of fun, they are light and free, they smile a lot and don't seem to have a care in the world.  So why do I get upset when they aren't particularly good at any of their chosen hobbies?  When another mother says "Oh I can't believe your daughter isn't doing the dancing exams when she has been dancing for so long, my daughter just started and she is already good enough."  I get all worked up, feel guilty that I am robbing my children of the opportunity to be successful because I do not put enough pressure on them to practice and train and I quietly panic that they will not succeed at anything in life :-/ 

The truth is my children are probably going to be mediocre at a lot of things they do, and the truth is this makes me unbelievably happy so long as what they are doing makes them happy.  I know they have been blessed with many gifts and they will excel in these areas, these blessings may be growing flowers, painting love hearts, raising children, making deals, designing clothes, doing hair, investing in real estate, caring for elderly, praying with conviction.  I have no idea but I need to remind myself that I love them unconditionally and with no pressure and I will not get robbed of joy by trying to keep up with other mothers, their children have been blessed differently to mine.  A truth I will need to constantly remind myself of. 

A third truth this week I have had to acknowledge is I am a little cowardly.  I had made the decision to discontinue attending a group I had been part of for over 3 years.  Instead of telling the group of my decision I really just wanted to quietly retreat, secretly disappear never to return again.  This would have been perfect until the group leader discussed it with me.  I thought I was an honest, up front sort of person, turns out if the chance arises to just turn and run away this just might be the option I choose.

In the face of all this cold hard truth, it is the Bible that is bringing me some peace. John 16:33 says "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  This helps me not to take any of the above truths too seriously :-)