You don't have to do to be ... please explain

I am reading about the idea that you don’t have to do to be in Emily P. Freeman’s book Grace for the Good Girl.  The book covers a lot of topics and I have not finished it yet but the idea that I don’t have to do to be is challenging my whole identity and I must say it is freaking me out a little bit.

From my earliest memories I have always felt it has been necessary to justify my existence.  I don’t think this is due to any one thing or experience, we just seem to live in a world that wants to know how many words we can spell, how many smiley faces we have on our rewards chart, how many friends we have, whether we have a boyfriend/girlfriend, how many degrees we have, how many friends we have on Facebook, how many committees we are on, how many times we are in the newspaper, how many children we have, how often our phone rings etc.

Being able to justify my existence is challenging for me  because I can’t really do anything well, I can’t run fast, I was never the smartest in my class, I  have never had loads of friends (always gone with quality over quantity), I don’t think I can dance or sing, I can’t really sew and I am not a great cook.  I could go on but I will end up getting depressed if I list everything I can’t do well.  So I got my approval by being busy, being involved in a lot of things all the time, giving people the impression I was a very capable, talented human being who has every right to be alive.

Now, it is being suggested that I don’t have to do to be.  If I don’t do who will I be?  My worth and identity does not come from what I do, I don’t have to spend any more time trying to prove that I deserve to be here, I don’t have to justify how I spend my time or what I prioritise as important. My head is literally aching, a lifetime of what I thought was important is being challenged and I am confused.

The other side of the coin is I should not judge other people based on what they do, I should not label them or assess them based on their qualifications, achievements, commitments, dress sense or usefulness (as determined by me).  Again, my whole life has been spent categorising people based on these, and many other, criteria.  Now, if I truly embrace the idea that you don’t have to do to be I have no idea how I will make sense of the world or the people in it.

Anyway, I must keep reading and hopefully this concept will start to make more sense.  I’m not usually a fan of the whole self-help genre but this idea really excites me, and scares me at the same time.  It sounds great in theory, I just don’t know how it will work in real-life. 

What do you think?  Does this idea that you don’t have to do to be mess with your mind a little bit?

Is time your friend or enemy?

As seen in the 100th edition of Maranoa Town and Country Mail

Time, ticking, constant, limited, time.   What do you consider a good use of time? Do you think you should fill each minute with activities, work, hobbies, commitments, chores and engagements?  It sure is easy enough to do.  All I hope for is to use my time to live a good and purposeful life, a life that will tell a nice story.  This seems more difficult than it appears; right now time seems to be robbing me of my good intentions and dreams.  Time is passing and my list of things to do grows ever longer.  Emily P. Freeman, one of my most favourite bloggers, wrote “Poke a hole in the bucket of time and let the minutes spill on to your lap and know you are loved”. Oh the serenity.

I am guilty of fighting with time, I try and get more out of it sometimes than is physically possible and I am the one left feeling exhausted, time keeps rhythmically ticking by.  William Faulkner, American writer and Nobel Prize laureate , who passed away in 1962 said  “Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life.”  I love this idea, it makes me think time could be my friend, it does not have to be the enemy, time could be beautiful, it could be enjoyed.

At the ‘Thrive Not Just Survive’ Workshop delivered by Christine Coop  in Roma last year she gave the analogy that time is like a flowing river and the only way to live a good, happy, healthy and meaningful life is to jump in the boat of life and flow with it, enjoy all the sights and adventures along the way, embrace it.  To try and paddle against it is exhausting, to try and stop it is impossible, to sit on the shore and just watch it go by is silly, to spend your whole life trying to paddle to a certain spot in the river is meaningless.  The idea of being at one with time brings peace to my soul, to be riding along with time, in a natural, organic way seems truly lovely when compared to how most of us chew up and spit out time constantly craving for more but wasting the time we already have. 

I think time is intended to be a gift.  Time gives us the opportunity to enjoy the beauty that surrounds us each day, time is what enables us to grow wise, to raise a family, to make friends to be gloriously and wonderfully alive.  Time does not rob us of our dreams and our hopes, time gives us the chance to realise them, if we know how to embrace the true majesty of it.

 Is time your enemy or your friend?

Ordinary ... the worst insult of all

What insult offends you the most?  If someone called you ugly, would you cry?  If people said you were boring, would it hurt your feelings?  If a group of friends had a party and didn’t invite you would you feel rejected?  What if someone called you a loser, or fat, or untidy, or lazy or stupid or useless, none of these would make you feel great but I think I could survive these insults.  Something I would find very hard to cope with, the very worst insult for me, would be if someone said “Argh, she is just so, so ... I don’t know, um ORDINARY”.   That one word, right there, feels like a knife in my heart. 

I am not saying I am extraordinary, absolutely not.  I’m just saying half-heartedness and indifference, being ordinary, for me is like dead grass, stray cats or easy listening music, seriously what is the point.  I live a very simple life, I am sure a vast majority of people who would observe my life would say it is the absolute epitome, the very definition of ordinary, and it is, I just hope the way I live it isn’t ordinary.

When I talk about not being ordinary I don’t mean being famous, or building an empire, or creating a masterpiece that will be admired for centuries.  Nope, it is none of that, it is just making the most of every day, doing the things that make you feel joyful, letting your soul breath and your heart sing, not doing what everybody else is just because everybody else is doing it or just because it will please people, not thinking near enough is good enough. 

American self-help guru Jim Rohn says “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.”  So true, we cannot experience anything greater than the ordinary if we do not question the norms, if we don’t push the boundaries a little bit, if we don’t get worked up and passionate about anything, if we don’t take a little risk.  Most of us deeply desire to fit in, this is ingrained in us the minute we start school, to be the same, not draw attention to ourselves, go with the flow and I know this has to happen to make educating the majority possible but oh the ordinariness of it all is exhausting.

The challenge is to be wholehearted, enthusiastic and totally committed to each day.  Depending on who you are this might mean staying in your pjs until lunch, reading your favourite magazine, riding your motorbike, other days it might be finding a cure for cancer, hosting an awesome fundraiser to release people from poverty, representing the innocent in court, spending hours of quality time with your family, learning a new recipe, designing a new outfit, going on a trip to somewhere you have never been before, writing a beautiful poem, sitting in the warm winter sun.  It could be anything at all, just let’s hope whatever it is, it isn’t ordinary.

What do you consider the worst insult of all?

What do you mean there are no Weet-Bix

Yesterday was what I call a ‘valley’ day.  There was nothing mountain top, glorious or wondrous about it, it is a little bleak, cold and lonely, so not really a great day.  I went to Woolworths to buy a few things, not a good thing to do on a valley day but it could not be helped.  One item on the shopping list was Weet-Bix, an absolute staple item in our house. 

Well when I got to the cereal aisle to discover there were no Weet-Bix it caused me to have a mini-meltdown.  I literally stood in front of the empty space and spoke fairly loudly ‘there are no Weet-Bix .... what supermarket in Australia doesn’t have Weet-Bix’.  I had my girls with me who looked blankly as I continued with my rant ‘What are we suppose to do with no Weet-Bix’.  My mind and body could not move on, people walked past smiling politely, and I would wave my arms and throw my hands out in exasperation at the empty spot on the shelves saying ‘No Weet-Bix’.  An overreaction, possibly.  Eventually, being the well adjusted, educated, problem solving human being I am I worked out we could just eat corn flakes for a day, and I was able to move on and get on with my shopping.

In my over-excitement I forget to get porridge from the cereal aisle so I had to go back, and right there before my eyes the shelves were stacked with boxes and boxes of glorious Weet-Bix, I couldn’t believe it, was it a mirage or a miracle.  The Woolworth’s staff member was packing the shelves as I excitedly and loudly exclaimed ‘There are Weet-Bix’ she apologised saying the delivery truck was late but I didn’t care, I could buy Weet-Bix.  I was overjoyed.

Now, I think there is a life lesson here I’m just not sure what it is.  Is it, we can experience  joy after disappointment, but without the disappointment coming first we may miss out on the joy.  Or joy can be found in the strangest and smallest places, or disappointment can emotionally highjack us and make us think and do irrational things, don’t ever go grocery shopping on a valley day or am I just too attached to Weet-Bix.  I would love to hear what you think the life lesson is from this incident?    

What the world needs now is love sweet love

What do you think the absolutely most important thing you should do while you are on earth?  Work hard to demonstrate your brilliance for all to observe, build an empire for your children to inherit, volunteer at a community organisation and make a difference in your local town, increase your knowledge and understanding and receive a lot of university degrees, become famous so people tell you how wonderful you are, be a politician so you can influence the future of your region, state or nation or maybe have as much fun as possible.  Or do you think the most important thing is to love your spouse, children, family and friends, or spend all your time, and most of your money, giving your children all the opportunities you never had. 

There are so many ways we can spend our time on earth, many of them noble and wonderful.  If we don’t consciously decide what our absolute number one priority is there is a risk we will spend valuable time doing lots of things that aren’t actually important, and this will lead to lots of regrets.

I absolutely believe the only important thing we can do is to love, everything we do needs to come from a place of love.  Here is a very clear instruction for life, “Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.” Loving someone as if your life depends on it, doesn’t that sound fabulous.  Not just a half hearted thing we take for granted.  If there is somebody who loves you and you love them back, we need to prioritise that love, if you can do something to make someone feel loved, do it.  It might be just making them a cup of tea, sending them a text to let them know you are thinking of them, giving them a hug, watching them perform, listening to their ideas, dreams or opinions without judging, being kind and thoughtful.  Often it is really simple acts that make us feel loved.  Turn off the television, mute your phone, put down the iPad and love somebody instead.

If somebody loves you, treasure it like gold.  We need to do all that we can to protect, maintain and grow love.  Don’t ever take love for granted, don’t be too quick to throw it away and try your hardest never to betray that love.  To be loved is the absolute greatest gift we will ever receive.  I have been blessed all my life, I have felt loved by my parents, sister, grandparents, aunties and now my husband and children, truly, fiercely and completely loved.  Sometimes this has led to disappointment and sadness but mostly it is has made my life joyful and complete and wonderful. 

However, loving people who love us is just the start and that should be really easy.  Loving our planet, our sisters and brothers all over the world, the homeless, the hungry, the sad and the friendless, this is where the love challenge really begins.  Loving people who are mean to us, those who look different to us, speak differently, and think and believe different things to us, loving those who behave in a way we do not understand, this is where love gets challenging.  However, this is where love is so very important, and it can start with you. 

Don’t think about whether you like people, just love them – full stop.  Easier said than done, and I am not so good at it, but I do believe love, receiving love, giving love, acting out of love, being all consumed by love (in a healthy way not a stalker obsessive kind of way), will ensure you live the most wonderful life and your time spent on earth, while not devoid of sadness or disappointment, will be meaningful, and leave a legacy for future generations.

Matters of the heart

Does it really matter what we watch on TV, what we read in magazines, who we spend time with?  It matters possibly more than we understand.  If you set yourself a challenge to talk about, read and watch more positive than negative you will be surprised at the constant bombardment of negative, useless and untrue information we allow into our heart and mind.  This has a direct impact on our actions, thoughts, words and therefore our entire lives.

There is so much money directed towards healthy lifestyle messages, encouraging people to eat correctly and exercise to improve their health.  I think an equal amount of time and money should be given encouraging people to fill their hearts with true and good information, experiences and thoughts.  As the rates of suicide, divorce, depression, alcohol and drug addiction and gambling continue to rise it is fair to ask is there a better way.

The world is actually full of good, every single day we are surrounded by endless blessings that we often just don’t see.  Yes there is suffering and heartache, there is illness and death, there is poverty and abuse and we are constantly reminded of these things.  Why is that?  Why do we watch news bulletins and buy papers about wars, accidents, death and destruction.  I lived in a small country town in NSW and was good friends with the local journalist.  She was a good, kind person who tried to influence her community by printing more positive stories than negative.  I lived there for over four years and the only time the local newspaper sold out was when a fatal car accident was featured on the front page.  What does that say about us?

I use to love watching Dancing with the Stars but in the interest of trying to fill my heart with good I no longer watch it.  There is so much unnecessary name calling, drama and for the most part you are celebrating the misery and misfortune of other people.  It seems harmless, there are lots of beautiful people, fantastic sets, lots of jovial laughing and great music all in the name of entertainment so does it really matter.  I kind of think it does?

I even find it hard to take a genuine interest in politics at any level due to the constant personal attacks on the opposition.  If you want to fill your heart with good how it is possible to know what is going on in the world, do you have to become a hermit or become the most boring person known to mankind.  I don’t think so, but I have not completed the experiment so I can’t make any promises. I also think it is vital we continue to hear the cries of our precious brothers and sisters around the world who need us to fight for their food, freedom, dignity and safety.  Filling our heart with good is no excuse to not be compassionate or connected, it just means you obtain, process and act on information in a very specific and purposeful manner.

In my attempt to fill my heart with good I fall off the bandwagon regularly, I still participate in conversations that occasionally make a negative judgment or comment about somebody or something, I watch movies that are funny because they are making fun of others, I love stand-up comedy which is nearly always based on bagging a certain person, race, religion etc for a laugh.  I have a long way to go before I can say my heart is completely filled with good, but I am committed to trying.  I truly believe that by protecting our hearts from the negative our health, our relationships, our lives and ultimately our world will benefit greatly. 

The value of a great childhood

A recent trip to Brisbane made me think of how precious a childhood is, each one of us only gets one chance at a childhood and I think, as individuals, a community and society we should be consciously committed to giving all our children a lovely childhood.

Henri Frederic Amiel, a Swiss philosopher poet and critic who lived in the 1800’s said “Blessed be childhood, which brings down something of heaven into the midst of our rough earthliness”.  There is no denying life can be tough, for some it is  tough from the very first breath, for others a beautiful life can get tough when they start school, or leave home or experience death, divorce, disappointment, disease or loneliness.  Some would argue that we have to toughen our kids up young, help them understand the harsh realities of life, so they know how to survive.  I don’t really agree.

Patty Wipfler writes on the Hand in Hand website “Though we work hard to prevent it, our children will be hurt by crises. They will need a reservoir of confidence in themselves to come through well.  Studies have shown that if just one person in a child's life is consistently supportive, a child is much more likely to overcome difficult circumstances. Just one person who is enthusiastic about the child. Just one person who lights up when the child walks into the room. Feeling close to one dependable adult is at the heart of resilience for children”.

This is not saying to provide a great childhood we need to offer endless sporting, musical, dramatic and social experiences to our children or is it saying a child needs to have endless clothes and rooms full of toys, or that discipline and disappointment are crucial to a good childhood.  Money, socio-economic status or education level do not determine whether a childhood is great; it is love, acceptance and freedom to explore and grow.

In Australian Country Style May 2012 edition it was described that when Sydney Fashion Designer Marnie Skillings is creating a new collection of clothes for her Paddington shop, her memory is often stirred by her childhood. I am sure our childhood shapes our adult lives in many complex ways.

School is a crucial aspect of most childhoods, with formal education starting for some as young as four years old.  I speak to a lot of parents who are concerned about our current education system.  The National Curriculum is setting very stringent guidelines for what and how our children should learn.  For teachers to meet all the objectives and outcomes and still embrace play based learning strategies it takes a lot of skill, time and energy.  Surely, a great way to help all children have a great childhood would be to invest much more heavily in the skills and resources for our early childhood educators. 

I also think being a parent needs a whole new marketing campaign.  A recent survey in America found that two-thirds of 18- to 34-year-old women say being successful in a high-paying career is “one of the most important things” or “very important” in their lives.  Professional ambition is admirable and vital to the economy and society but the ambition to be a great parent, fully committed to creating a happy childhood for the next generation is also noble and important and should be more highly valued and regarded.

I am not talking about creating Utopia, sadly some children are always going to suffer, and this breaks my heart, but I don’t see what harm can come of being committed to creating happy childhoods for as many children as possible.  What do you think?