Challenged when you least expect it

After living for almost 35 years I am finding so many of my long held beliefs are being challenged, it is exciting and scary, it causes great internal turmoil and my head is hurting a lot, but I think there could truly be a better way to exist than what I have done up until now, but am I brave enough to explore it further?

Previously I quoted Steve Jobs as saying something along the lines of “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice”.  Have you ever tried to think and live outside the commonly accepted stereotype or expectation people have of you?  I find it really difficult, I feel a bit like a failure, I feel weird and strange and it can be a bit lonely; it seems much easier to go with the flow, the only problem for me is it leaves me feeling empty and confused and lonely as well.

As I blogged a few month ago I was challenged by the concept that you don’t have to do to be, this idea continues to change my life every day.  Now I am being challenged by the idea that as a parent it is not necessarily my job to tell my children, or any other children, what they should or shouldn’t do, or try to manipulate or control them to say, do  and think what I want them to, not even my job to solve their problems for them.  Rather the idea is to provide an environment to help them make the most of their own skills and energy to secure cooperation and responsibility. The objective is to grow confident and responsible adults, that I will share a strong connection with.

 

Another idea is that when our own needs are met we feel affectionate, confident, empowered, engaged, inspired, excited, hopeful, grateful and exhilarated but when our needs are not met we feel annoyed, disconnected, sad, vulnerable, embarrassed, tense, confused and angry (M.B. Rosenberg).  To meet needs we need to listen to our own bodies and intuition, or truly listen when our spouse or children talk to us.  It takes time, you need to be really connected to yourself and those around you, and it cannot be manufactured or faked and as I am finding you need to be prepared to have your beliefs challenged and you need to be courageous. 

Unschooling is another idea that has caught my attention lately and this challenges a lot of my beliefs.  Unschooling believes that children can teach themselves through their curiosity and eagerness to explore the world. It focuses on real world learning experiences, and it allows the child to dictate his or her education by deciding what they do, or don’t, want to learn about.  This seems crazy to me, but the number of children who struggle through 13 years of formal education also causes me a great deal of concern.

 

If I looked at my world and saw love and peace and hope and joy I probably wouldn’t see any reason to challenge mainstream beliefs and ideas, but I don’t.  I see lots of sadness, violence, brokenness, abuse, depression, anxiety, worry and fear which is what gets me thinking there must be a better way.  

 

There is a lot going on in my head and heart at the moment, I am not saying any of the above ideas are the answer, as I approach my birthday so many things I thought I already knew are being challenged, and new ideas are being formed and investigated and I am certainly being extended outside my comfort zone.   Gail Sheehy said “If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living”, and one thing I am sure of is while I am here I want to really live, not just exist.  what do you think?

Living the good life?

What is your vision of the good life?  Have you thought about it, or are you just content plodding through one day at a time and seeing where life takes you?  Watching the Olympic Games I have realised there are a lot of people out there that have very clear and specific visions about winning a gold medal at the Olympics, something I have never even considered and would never have the determination, ability or commitment to achieve.  Whether you have formally developed a vision or if it is just a quiet whisper deep down inside, this vision for your life is what helps you set priorities each and every day.

Steve Jobs, in his commencement speech at Stanford University in 2005, said “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.”

I try not to think about dying too much, but I must admit the idea of being an old person in a nursing home motivates me to make the most of this life while I am still relatively young.  Just like Dennis Denuto said in The Castle “It’s the vibe of the thing” and my vision is based on a vibe.  My vibe is described brilliantly by these words, “The work of decency will be peace, and the effect of honesty will be quietness and trust.  You will live in a peaceful neighbourhood, in secure houses, and in quiet gardens.  Those who have well watered fields and gardens with farm animals grazing freely will enjoy a fortunate life”.

Very often my real life does not feel quiet or free or peaceful but  I will continue to reach for my dream, because as Robert Fritz said "If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."

So what does your dream life look like?  Are you already living it?  Are you working towards a vision set by the expectations of others, doing things because you think it will make you popular, please other people, make you rich, change the world or simply based on all you have ever known?

Christopher Reeve famously said “So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”  There is too much anxiety, depression and poor physical and mental health in our world, there is too much violence, injustice and debt, there is too much fear and worry and not enough love and trust.  We all need to dream, to have a vision for our life, and whether we feel like the vision is huge or very tiny; we owe it to ourselves, our family, our community and the entire world, to live that dream.  It will make the world a better place.  What do you think?

Can I wrap myself in happy?

I know what makes me happy so is it possible to spend a whole life wrapped up in happy?  I love spending time with and chatting to my beautiful sister and my wonderful friends, I love listening to my daughters as they make up poems and songs and I love watching them giggle and play, I love being with my husband especially when he smiles, I love walking in the paddock at Golden Hour when the setting sun makes everything shine bright orange and yellow.  I love watching movies with cheerful songs and bright and colourful images and happy endings, I love being with people and reading the bible, praising God and talking about Jesus.  The list of things I love is extensive, I love being happy.

The great thing is when I do these things often all the more mundane tasks become so much more enjoyable, maybe not enjoyable but bearable.  However, my happiness is quickly robbed when I step outside my bubble of people and things that make me happy, and my instinct is to quickly retreat back to happy.  Is this childish, maybe it means I can’t cope with the world, am I serving my life purpose by just wrapping myself in happy?  Does happy pay the bills and put food on the table?

Obviously there are things out of my control that will make me unhappy and that is life, I get that, but even during these times often there are things I can do that will make me happy.  Is there a rule that says as a serious adult I must consciously and actively go out and do things that make me unhappy?  Do I owe it to my family, my community, my family and friends to do things that make me unhappy? 

I’m not talking superficial, instant gratification happy, I’m talking about the happy that makes your body tingle with delight, you smile involuntarily, you have a peace and joy that settles on your soul, love and kindness exudes from your heart and your words are gentle and encouraging. 

Our children wake up so excited each day ready to experience all the wonderful things that lay ahead of them, how many of us wake up dreading all the tasks that must get done that day?    

The concept of just surrounding yourself with things and people that makes you happy sounds simple, but it isn’t, trust me, I’m trying and it is hard to find a definite line with happy on one side and unhappy on the other.  There are things that are really important to me and good for me but sometimes devoting time and energy towards these things can rob me of my happiness, so what to do?  There are things that I have never done before that might make me happy if I give them a try. There are people that I love that might not actually make me happy but it would make me unhappy to exclude them from my life.

It can be complex but I do know I am here on earth for a short time and I want every day to be mostly happy and enjoyable, so I am going to keep trying to wrap myself in happy and I guess I will just see how it all works out in the end.

Sorry ... we don't support religious organisations

Stand back, this isn’t going to be pretty.  There will be hand waving, a few heated words, maybe even a little bit of name calling, I might even accidentally spit a little as I get caught up in my tirade and I am not going to draw breath for the next minute or two, so watch out ...

We live in a world where discrimination is not acceptable.  That is totally cool, so tell me why is it that many businesses, organisations and funding bodies have a policy whereby they will not support religious organisations?

Let us for a minute have a look at the type of services religious organisations in Australia provide, looking at the ones we see every day in our own town.  Anglicare provides much needed support for our elderly people, they provide help at home, nursing and a range of services that enable people to live in their own homes longer, they coordinate foster and kinship care for vulnerable children, they offer disability, youth, mental health and family support services and so much more.  Imagine our community without this care and support for our elderly, vulnerable, lonely and young.  Who in their right mind would not want to support the work of this organisation?

Then we have St Vincent de Paul, an organisation committed to addressing poverty in our community.  Their website says “There is no magic solution to poverty.  It takes compassion, commitment and money” and that is what Vinnies offers.  Not only do they have their donation centres they are committed to social justice.  They literally “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, protect the rights of those who are helpless. Speak out and pronounce a sentence of justice, defend the cause of the wretched and the poor." (Proverbs 31:8-9).  Again, imagine society without people dedicated to the pursuit of social justice and overcoming poverty.

Thirdly we have Salvation Army.  Who is at the heart of every emergency and disaster in this country?  It is the Salvation Army.  Did you know that across Australia in a typical week the Salvation Army provides 100,000 meals for the hungry; 2000 beds for the homeless; 5000-8000 food vouchers; 1000 people with assistance to find employment; refuge to 500 victims of child abuse; assistance to 500 addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling; several thousand people with counselling; 3000 people with aged care services, 40 people in the court system with chaplaincy programs and family tracing services which locate 40 missing family members.  This is just one week.  Again, why would you not want to support this wonderful work?

I personally know of dozens of Christian organisations in Australia who help our brothers and sisters all over the world.  They save babies from pit toilets, rescue young girls from sex slavery, feed starving babies and mothers, provide life changing surgery to women who would otherwise remain shunned by society and offer clean drinking water to remote communities.  These religious organisations, who will not be funded or supported by numerous organisations and agencies, make the world a better place.  Often they are the only ones brave enough to address issues that other people shy from.  They are not without their problems, just like every other organisation they are not perfect but surely no one can argue the work they do isn’t worthwhile and worthy of financial support.  What do you think?

There are always two sides to every story

I make sense of the world through stories and relationships, I receive and share a lot of information, hopefully most of it is true and accurate but some of it slightly exaggerated, some of it repeated in confidence, some of it just said to fill the silence, get a laugh, gain approval or showcase inside knowledge.  Stories, words, tales, yarns, accusations, insinuations and anecdotes, all freely told, shared, passed on all day, all over the world.  What harm can it do?

I was listening to the wonderful Etta James the other day and the words from her song Two Sides made me stop, listen and think.  The lyrics were:

Things aren't always like they seem to be
So take this tip from experienced me
There are always two sides
To every story, yeah
But two wrongs, two wrongs can't make a right
Oh, and two mistakes will only bring you heartache
And you both will end up losing the fight

How often do I only hear one side of a story but accept it as the only true and correct version of events?

We hear a story or observe a situation and with our own limited knowledge, previous experience, misplaced trust and pre-conceived ideas and beliefs we form a judgement.  The problem being there is probably at least one other side to this story that we have not heard or considered and it may be the polar opposite of what we think is correct. 

Aesop (c. 620-564 BC) was a story teller and he is quoted as saying “Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”.  Take for example if you are sitting on a plane and your flight has been delayed because one passenger cannot be located.  After a lengthy delay he boards, without knowing the circumstance would you be furious at him for inconveniencing you?  What if he was at the hospital with his terminally ill child, or what if he had passed a car accident on the way to the airport and stopped to help the injured or what if he had been drinking at the bar with mates and didn’t give a toss about everybody else on the plane waiting?  How would you respond without knowing all the facts?

 It is not possible to know all the details of every situation; we cannot research every bit of information to determine its absolute accuracy.  Some things we simply know to be the truth, which we can cling to and build on, most other things we will probably never know the whole truth.  Next time I am tempted to jump to a conclusion I will think twice about whether there might be another side to the story.  Before I share information I will consider whether it is accurate, relevant and necessary or is it actually rumour and gossip?  Just as Etta advises I will stop and consider there always two sides to every story.

It makes no sense to me

I am struggling to make sense of the world around me.  I know without a doubt that we have been created to live an abundantly joyful, purposeful, kind, exhilarating and magnificent existence.  I appreciate that at the same time there will always be some suffering and pain but I feel deep in my core we have been born with the ability to grow strong from our greatest hardships.

However, right now, I see pain and hurt, depression and bullying, alcoholism and drug abuse, homelessness, hopelessness, despair, war and injustice.  I see broken hearts, rejection, sadness and self doubt, I see struggle.  Right here in my own backyard I see huge profits being made by companies, but I also see good, honest local families unable to pay the bills. I see too many marriage break ups, destroying families forever.   I hear constant talk about the future our children will need to navigate, drinking, driving, promiscuity, drugs, technology and I am gripped with panic.

I can’t make sense of it.  I am not driven by a desire to make a lot of money and own a lot of things, I don’t want to have a fancy career and a long job title, I just want to be comfortable, free and happy and keep my family safe.  I want to feel light and joyful but the weight of the world feels heavy on my shoulders tonight.  Everything around me and ahead of me seems insignificant and small, except the relationship I have with my loved ones, but is this really enough?

Facebook, Twitter, iPhones, television, games, blogs, deadlines, followers does any of it mean anything at all?  Are we slowly killing ourselves by what we are eating?  Are we destroying our spirits by what we are watching and reading and doing with our time?  Constant political backstabbing and name calling, endless flow of celebrity gossip, so many advertisements showing us beautiful things we need to be happy.  Where is the inspiration, the vision, the hope, the future?  What is all this for, where is it leading us, what are we creating?  I want to shout ‘Stop it now, it is all so wrong, it is insignificant, it is unimportant’, but I can’t because what does right look and feel like?

Protect your heart for it is the wellspring of life, but I am struggling to fill my heart with good, the dirty, sticky finger prints of this world are leaving their smudgy marks all over my heart.

I have a clear vision of the life I desperately want to live, the life I believe I have been created to live, I just don’t know how to get there.  How many other people feel the same way?  Are we a whole society stuck on a treadmill when all we need to do is step off, but who will be the brave one to step off first? I am genuinely petrified if I step off I will just fall flat on my face, and everybody who stayed on the treadmill will laugh hysterically at me.  It is taking all my energy, all my joy and all my passion  to just try and fit in, make the most of it, try and function in this world that makes no sense to me.  I don’t know why I can’t make sense of it, it is frustrating, I am tired. 

This blog has no answers, it is not delicate, pretty, soft or poetic and it is not a cry for help, I know I live an extremely blessed life, which kind of makes it harder to make sense of the world. Nothing will change as a result of these words, except I am hoping I will find some peace and be able to fall asleep very soon.  Good night xo

It's better when we're together

Jack Jones  sings “At least for most of the questions in my heart, Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving.  I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together”.  The Beatles sang “Help me if you can, I'm feeling down, And I do appreciate you being round. Help me, get my feet back on the ground, Won't you please, please help me.”  Ben Lee sings “Woke up this morning I suddenly realized We're all in this together I started smiling Cos you were smiling And were all in this together I'm made of atoms You're made of atoms And were all in this together”.  Finally, the Bible says “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken,” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

Too many of us today suffer from social and emotional isolation but it is clear we thrive when we live and exist together.
A wise and inspiring friend said the other day; this is the first time in history, and only in the Western world, that women are expected to be great mums, wonderful wives, successful career women and talented home keepers all by themselves.  The same is being experienced by men, their roles in the workplace and the home means they have much less time for just hanging out with the blokes.  Technology has made it possible for us to move long distances away from our families and long time friends and many of us are isolated, trying to do everything by ourselves when we were never created to exist alone.

You can be surrounded by people all day everyday but still be lonely, social interactions need to be real and like everything in life, need to be prioritised, worked on and invested in continuously to be made strong and durable.  Social and emotional isolation break down both body and soul, relationships and face-to-face conversations strengthen our immune system and help us to live longer.  Plus it makes life so much more enjoyable. We are not designed to do everything in our own strength, it is exhausting, unsatisfying and limits us greatly.

Natural selection has determined that whales function best in pods, fish in schools, birds in flocks, lions in prides and cows in herds.  Does it not make sense that as human beings we too would work best in a tribe?  Many Anthropologists have found tribes were very satisfied by their way of life, it was very meaningful to them.  Studies show their population was not depressed, suicidal, seething with rage or questioning the purpose of life like we are. Tribal life has been a success since the birth of mankind.

I know we cannot return to hunting and gathering, tribal life was not perfect and I’m not that keen on everybody just wearing a loincloth and having to sleep in a hut.  However, I think there are lots of great benefits from tribal life that we could adopt to make life a lot better for all of us individually and for the future of our planet.  What do you think?